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You know your feeling better, when your conscious starts bothering you.

Got 3 apologies to let out, so here they are:

#1 Sorry for the delay in replies. Life constantly keeps hitting me over the head

#2 recently on FM, I was in discussion with a dragonness I know of, about previous times. She couldnapos;t understand what happened to me, when I use to be so fun, and enjoyable to be around. I finally explain that between 2001, to 2005 I was going though an emotional and mental abuse that I couldnapos;t deal with. She said that I was acting like a jerk, and yes. I probably *was*. When your under such a stress, you get quite defensive. I also explained that I lost several friends, 2 is on "life support", and only two have stayed with me fully. Even family members have been scarred. I had to re-evaluate everything and everyone, and a year afterwords, I was still waiting for the next shoe to drop; probably right on my head.

If my younger readers is wondering, 2001 was 9/11, About 2002 was the start a failed romance, that ended up with the police calling me, after her family members went balastic. (The police was simply was looking for info, and it was brief), Also the mother called me too, looking for info as well.

Then around this time, maybe a year or so before I had to return home. With that, started my descedent into the last three levels of hell, A cousin passed on, then next year 6 months of helping my rapidly dying uncle (whom I was close too) who had cancer, then was put finally in the nursing home because of paralysis, with it ending with him passing, without me saying goodbye. Lastly, the last 6 months with my beloved dal, Dot was in pain from Hip Dysplacia, then I having to end her suffering. This was followed by a year onto the mountain of purgatory to redeem myself (at least in my mind)

All thatapos;s left me bitter, nervous, and loosing all interest in humans for a mate thing. I just donapos;t want to deal with humanapos;s bullshit anymore.

So my apologies is; if I was acting like a jerk during or since then, Iapos;m sorry. You canapos;t go though all that, and not be changed. I just ask that you remind me if I seem to be going on the jerk train, and to hop off.

#3 and finally. About the last post. I wonapos;t retract all of what I wrote, but I will say that not ALL of humanity is pond scum. I reliezed finally that you all arenapos;t in that category. Most furs, and people whom I let into my friends circle are by my definition the best of humanity.

I still am pissed, and angered that a society considers what I wrote acceptable, and perhapses thatapos;s whatapos;s wrong with the world today. That we as humans teach our children that animals have no emotions, feel no pain, and is just something to used and abuse. This is one of the great mistakes of world religions (the same toward females is another). For that can lead to crime. If they have no empany toward another lifeforms, what empany do they have toward their own kind? Itapos;s something that humanity must learn, less we wonapos;t be worthy of living. I think that Adama, and six had some words in that regard, but I canapos;t find it on the web to quote any of that. But sheapos;s right.

But I can say this; you all have the perfect out. If you donapos;t believe me, or want me, look up how to defriend someone on LJ, Take me off your WF me on FurryMUCK, or what ever else it takes to set me adrift from your circle(s). I only speak the truth, and I wonapos;t deliberately harm anyone.

- Shado

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BELGRADE, October 18, 2008 (AFP) - Two parties in Serbia's uneasy ruling coalition Saturday signed a reconciliation pact, the Beta news agency said, to buttress ties after months of political turmoil and years of mutual hostility. The Democratic Party (DS) of Serbian President Boris Tadic and the Socialist Party of Serbia (SPS) formerly led by late ruler Slobodan Milosevic said the agreement would put an end to past differences in the interests of the nation.

The agreement underscored a "common responsibility to create a democratic and free Serbia armed with a developed economy and justice.

"We would like to moot a platform for national reconciliation which will reunite all those who have Serbia's best interests at heart," it added.

Serbia held snap legislative elections on May 11 after the government collapsed in a split over ties with the European Union in the wake of Kosovo's unilateral declaration of independence from Belgrade.

The pro-Western Tadic had argued that Belgrade could only defend its right to Kosovo if it joined the EU.

The DS and SPS in June then forged an accord to form an uneasy coalition to put an end to the political uncertainty.

The two parties had an acrimonious relationship for years which was exacerbated when former prime minister Zoran Djindjic from the DS played a major role in the arrest and deportation of Milosevic to The Hague for a war crimes trial.

Milosevic was forced to step down in 2000 after hundreds of thousands of Serbs took the streets and demanded he concede defeat in a Yugoslav presidential election after more than 10 years of autocratic rule.

Less than a year later, Milosevic was extradited to the UN war crimes tribunal to stand trial for crimes committed during the wars that broke up the Yugoslav federation, including genocide.

He died in 2006 of natural causes in his prison cell before the end of the trial.

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...I wonder if the races are actually interesting.

Probably filled with drunk morons and gamblers. Same in every City.

Ah well.
I guess I should check it out.

[PRIVATE TO THE MASTER//UNHACKABLE]
Hey, Master, you feelin any better yet?
Cuz Iapos;m not gonna visit you anymore if you keep complaining and yelling at the nurse. I work at the hospital, I have to listen to her gripe about you all day. Not fun.
[//PRIVATE]

Anybody wanna come down with me to see the races?
Iapos;ve avoided watching the fights cuz, honestly? Thatapos;s really sick and twisted, even for the City.

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Three things have happened that are getting me down.

In the order of events:
1. My hallucinations came back.
2. I found out that my grandmother has lung cancer.
3. My roommate wants me to move out because Iapos;m "bringing her down"

The thing that gets me down the most is, of course, the news about my poor grandmother. It came on very suddenly. She said that lately she has been feeling very tired and went to the doctor. He told her that she had cancer and that was that. She hadnapos;t been feeling sick for very long at all and now sheapos;s very sick. All of a sudden itapos;s doctorapos;s visits and tests and everything.

I regret that I didnapos;t really have a reaction when my mother told me. I just sort of sat there in shock. I didnapos;t know what to say. "Iapos;ll tell her that you love her," she told me.


The thing that is most dramatic? The situation with my roommate. I like my roommate and apparently she likes me. We get along-- Iapos;m pretty comfortable with our living situation. But sheapos;s this kind of person that feeds off of human emotion. She needs to be surrounded with friends that she can rely on all the time. I have this sort of flat, not very social affect that bothers her. And it drives her crazy that she canapos;t make me happy. So, Iapos;m okay with it, and sheapos;s not. Yet she asked me to leave our room. There is logic behind it. Sheapos;s made friends on this floor and sheapos;d like to stay here. Iapos;d like to stay here simply because I donapos;t want to move all my shit and work it into a new environment, but Iapos;m okay with doing it, and giving up on our relationship just as long as she recognizes that Iapos;m the one making all the sacrifices in this situation. And itapos;s all to make her happy. She sort of recognized it, but every time sheapos;d say she understood, it was followed up by a "but." I guess thatapos;s the most I could hope for. At least she didnapos;t say she wouldnapos;t recognize it. If she didnapos;t, Iapos;d feel like sheapos;s just abusing me. And I canapos;t make sacrifices for someone who is abusing me.

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I hate how you donapos;t me back, but whatever.
iapos;m used to it, i get used to things so easily.
iapos;m probably never gonna see you, ever :/
but thats not my fault.
iapos;ve tried.
i donapos;t want to stop talking to you,
but sometimes i wonder whatapos;s best.

i got my phone, thank god.

but anywaysz, 2 things i want to rant about:

one, all i want in life, is someone thatapos;ll be there forever, and iapos;m not nessecery talking about a boyfriend, but someone, thatapos;ll stick with me i can tell anything too. I just someone i can depend on, thatapos;ll be there when i need them, thats all i rlly want, rlly. Is that so much to ask for?

and two, i truly believe that everything happens for a reason, obv. I got your number so i can talk to you, obv. Something was meant to happen, but i feel it hasnapos;t yet. Obv. I go to the mall everything, EVERYTHING IN LIFE HAPPENS FOR A SOLE PURPOSE, when you dig deep in your mind long enough, you just might find it. Thereapos;s a reason iapos;m not physically dead yet, mentally, thatapos;s another story, but iapos;m still walking,eating,breathing, blinking, for a reason. Iapos;m not here to do nothing, obv. If i was, iapos;d probably be dead. Somethingapos;s kept me alive, but just how exactly how strong is it? how much longer will it work? who knows.

thirdly (yea, i know i said 2, but you have to deal) everyone is only out for themselves, its reality,get over it. We get something, and when something better comes along, we through the old thing deep into a closet and forget about it. But rly, everything you do, like who you hang out with, who you talk to, is because of something you want, or want to be.

but hey, maybe its just me, maybe iapos;m crazy.
sanity is questionable for me right now.
deadasssss.

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Last july there was an...incident...with some random guy in my office...didnt belong here but was here asking me weird questions and wouldent leave...

well he was back today...after i had instant messaged my boss with no response i made it seem like i was working and went down the hall only to find that my boss wasent in his damn office so i found another coworker and asked him to come save me but when we got up here the guy was gone...so.fucking.scary....im trembling im not gonna lie...its shit like this that makes me wish that the boys were still in this front office by me...i dont like being alone and the fish dont offer much protection =(

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Out the corner of my eye and the bottom of a window i some the back half of a profile of some scraggly homeless man with an army jacket on waiting to get on the bus. Well, thatapos;s the conclusion i came to at least. Then i took note of a german flag patch on the sleeve and, of course, my next thought was what the hell is a scraggiily german vet doing so far from home. I am a genius. Well, homeless german vet quickly turned into non unt (he paid) scraggily german queers tshirt-wearin punk who quickly disapaited into scraggily germish freak with a dropkick murpheys patch on the right side of us torso. I took that as a sign that the freaks were out early and to get off the bus as quickly as the bus ride would allow. Which was no quicker than normal since the ability to move objects with my mind has not yet been reached. Only time will tell how far i may or may not go with that endeavor.

my father, god bless him, is a dillapidated alcoholic. It would be almost excusable if he werenapos;t such an asshole. However, if he remembers through his scotch stupor that he has children, and that i am one of them, he should be handing over his turntable and speaker set up to me on sunday. An amplifyer for one of the spearkers just isnapos;t working anymore, the whole system is almost thirty years old, but he said we could look around together and find another one. He thinks itapos;ll set me back about a hundred bucks but well worth it. I feel guilty, almost cruel, in sounding so ungreatful about this present. He is giving it to me because he knows how badly iapos;ve wanted it, true, but heapos;s also being evicted from his sundown ranch suburban home so iapos;m feeling really mixed. Iapos;m also taking back my two old tabby cats, chewie and vader, that i got when i was eleven. I really used to love them but itapos;s hard to take cats in a nap sack while youapos;re trying to run away in the middle of night. It sounds weird, but i donapos;t even know them anymore, and i already have so many other cats... Theyapos;re primarily outside dwellers though so i think weapos;ll be ok. Mom wants to kill me but itapos;s either off me and no cats or let me live and deal with the added felines; since she needs me to help pay rent... Weapos;ll live through it.
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